What is self-blame?
You can think of self-blame as a way of pointing the arrow at yourself when something undesirable happens. You fault yourself. Sometimes there are situations where you’ve done something wrong; however, there are many more situations where you really did all you could and the outcome was beyond your control. Self-blame can become an ingrained pattern where over and over your default is to blame yourself for the undesirable thing that happened.
Self-blame might sound like:
“I should have done more.”
“I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It was my fault”
“I could’ve been more…”
Why do we self-blame?
Self-blame can become such an automatic response from us we may not even think of it as a behavior we’re engaging in. The cognition may not feel like a separate thought from you.
Perceived control
If we take a very close look at self-blame, we might learn that one of the reasons it has such a hold on us, is because it gives us a sense of control. Unconsciously we might associate that if the undesirable outcome is connected to me, I can control myself differently and prevent it from happening again. Self-blame gives an illusion of control.
In reality, the world beyond you is unpredictable. Even if you had done “more” or “less”, you may have ended up with the same outcome. There are so many variables beyond yourself.
Relational trauma
Self-blame can also become a highly used coping skill that stems from relational trauma. For example, some of us may have grown up with caregivers or loved ones who blamed us, parentified us, etc. We may have never heard the words “it’s okay, you did all that you could.”
How do I stop self-blaming?
“If you can name it, you can tame it” is a phrase made popular by Dan Siegel. Simply bringing your awareness to when you are engaging in self-blame, can be a monumental first step. You might be able to pause and think - “Wow, I’m being really hard on myself right now. Is this justified? I wonder why I’m being so hard on myself right now?”
The second part of shifting the self-blame is the acceptance that we are living in an unpredictable world. That while there are many things within our control of ourselves, there are SO many more outside of our control.
The third part of unwinding self-blame is to practice self-compassion. The pathways in your brain that recognize your faults have become so well-grooved, you actually do have to practice affirming yourself and your actions. Dr. Kristin Neff says this about self-compassion:
“Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?“
