What happens when we push our emotions away?

When we avoid our emotions, we might feel as though we’re in control. For example, if anger starts to surface, we might try our best to ignore that feeling, engage in distraction, or tell ourselves “let it go, it doesn’t matter. I don’t have time for this.” While this could help in the moment, by ignoring and not processing our feelings, we may be welcoming in numbness and confusion. 

Additionally, as a result of avoiding emotions, our bodies may respond anyway. We might feel tension in our muscles, disassociation (for some, a spacey feeling that we are not able to be in the room, or that we are “in our heads” detached from our body), and physical pain.

Depending on our unique experiences, we may have learned to push our emotions away - believing that someone else’s emotions were more important or perhaps that certain emotions were unacceptable. From this, we may have gradually learned to not acknowledge our emotions at all. We might commonly answer “How are you?” with “fine”, “okay”, “good” and not really know how to identify our emotions further. This type of avoidance strengthens the disconnect between our head and our hearts. 

We may feel that reconnecting with our emotions will be too painful; however, avoidance only delays growth. Resisting change can be painful; however, even if experiencing an emotion is painful, it’s release can clear a path for change. 

How can we reconnect to our emotions? 

Start with a small and intentional action. This could be any of the following: 

• Learn how to do a body scan. Sometimes the body can identify a feeling before the mind registers it. Being in tune with your body can help with regulation. Continuing to practice mindfulness techniques can help us to tolerate difficult emotions without judging them. For an example of a body scan, check out: https://www.uclahealth.org/marc/mindful-meditations

• Keep a journal and make a one-word or one sentence note of how you’re feeling at various points in the day. This is a quick way to check-in with yourself. If you have trouble remembering to write, you can set a reminder (or a few) in your phone to prompt you.

• Begin talking about your emotions with someone you feel safe with. When asked how you’re doing, try to move past the “I don’t know,” “fine,” “good,” responses you might be used to and elaborate or find new words that capture your experience. 

• Experiment with creative outlets. Journaling, creative writing, drawing, painting, and playing music are all ways to self-reflect. They are creative ways to further develop your relationship to yourself.

Another tip for feeling braver in approaching difficult emotions, is to use self-compassion. As Dr. Kristin Neff explains, self-compassion is different than self-criticism, “because it’s driving force is love not fear.” Learn to honor your emotions (even the difficult ones) by approaching them with curiosity and love. Sit with them. They are part of your humanness.